{Set a Fire}

Dear Ellie, 

Last night was one of those magical moments that I just don’t ever want to forget…one that I believe will shape your faith; a moment so beautiful and full that I will always hold it dearly in my heart.

I was so tired.  You probably noticed. All evening, I was fighting exhaustion as we did homework, read books, brushed teeth, and got your brother and sister in bed.  It’s the end of the school year, and we are limping across that finish line.  I knew your brother and sister needed to go to bed early, and as we often do, we made a whispered promise.  You know, the one where, when your sister isn’t looking, I quietly tell you that after she falls asleep you can get up and come in my bed to read and chat.  You know these are my favorite times, and I know they are yours.  

I didn’t mean for it to happen like this, but after I kissed you all and tucked you all in, I crawled back in my bed, tank empty, and found your ipod in my covers.  I shuffled through my worship playlist and found a song I NEEDED.  

I didn’t remember our promise, I just put in the earbuds and lay lifeless, absorbing the words and the notes and the sweet violin chords…drinking them deeply into my thirsty spirit.  

Your sister must have been super tired, because it wasn’t long and I faintly heard the heavy thud as you jumped off your top bunk (I can’t believe your sister never hears that) and your footsteps as you ran down the hall to my room. 

You lept into my bed (you do everything so athletically & passionately, something I adore about you) and snuggled up under my arm.  Without words, I handed you my right earbud so we could listen together.  You probably saw my eyes closed, my lips moving slightly as I silently sang along.  You probably saw the tears streaming from the corners of my eyes directly to my pillow and making wet puddles.  I know you wondered if there was something wrong, if you should be concerned…but I think you know I wasn’t sad.  You knew I was so overwhelmed with love for my Jesus, so dry in my spirit, and so desperate for His “living water”.  I don’t mind that you witnessed this moment.  I know it made you realize your mom is not invincible, not super mom, and not able to do anything in her own strength.  And I heard you singing, too.  And those tears became tears of unspeakable joy to know we shared such an amazing moment…worshipping together from a raw, tired, desperate place…and experiencing such an indescribable peace as Jesus himself touched our hearts and reminded us that “His beauty and love chase after us every day of our life” {Psalm 23:6}.  

I’ll never forget those few beautiful minutes…I hope you never do.

Love you, proud of you, believe in you…

Mom  

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2 thoughts on “{Set a Fire}

  1. Oh goodness…I should not have read this in public! Now I need tissue & more mascara. Such a special post…I share your heart on this and take comfort in knowing I am not the only Mom dealing with such a need to find refuge. I love your writing Jen, it’s so simple and full of truth that is you! Xo

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